Infinite Yes
Tonight Ivy and I drove out to the lake. We got here right at dawn and drove right to the sunset beach before coming to the cabin. The peace I feel here in the fall runs so deep. Again, I am feeling grateful that it didn’t sell. When I see the easy happiness Ivy feels here too, I really do feel good about keeping it. We need this easy getaway.
Ivy’s birthday is Monday so this getaway is specifically to avoid any potential upset if there is any activity from my parents. I wish so much to see my dad, so it’s weird to run away, but I don’t think he would come. It would be her. He won’t do it for her anymore. That actually answers my inner struggle. I need to reach out to him. Terrifying to think of re-igniting the issue in any way, but I won’t be at peace without trying, now that he seems to get it enough to respect basic boundaries. Thoughts for a different place.
Now that we are here, it feels less like a forced getaway and more like an actual break. It is my first time coming out on my own with Ivy in a long time. So far, I am so glad we came. I look forward to hanging out with her tomorrow, going to the park, doing puzzles, going for walks with Gary.
I had a moment when I came out to the porch tonight. It is so warm, like a summer night. I flashed back to the days I used to arrive after dark like this, put music on and dance on the deck. I put on the song I always used to play when I got her back in the day and danced. It felt SO good! Some kind of full circle type of good. I had lost that feeling, and now am somehow getting it back and it feels amazing. It’s like getting to go back. Climbing back into old feelings and simpler times.
The beauty I feel the most in this experience is that back in those days, I felt a lot of peace, but I also felt a lot of loneliness and felt like I needed to be anchored a bit more. Now, I do feel more anchored. I am a mother and a wife. I own a business. I am not still wondering what to do, or who I will be with, or if I will have a family. I feel so much peace in all of those areas.
A year ago, we were in Nelson. We came here when we got back. I felt an intense peace here then too. A knowing. One year later, I am glad we stayed. I am glad for the friends we have, for this place, for our home. I am glad for the daily chance encounters with people in our neighbourhood. Some of them I have known for decades, others for less time. But it was all there. I didn’t need to try to build a feeling of belonging out of nothing. I am where I belong. Even if I don’t like the cold weather and the mosquitoes.
Ivy’s birthday is Monday so this getaway is specifically to avoid any potential upset if there is any activity from my parents. I wish so much to see my dad, so it’s weird to run away, but I don’t think he would come. It would be her. He won’t do it for her anymore. That actually answers my inner struggle. I need to reach out to him. Terrifying to think of re-igniting the issue in any way, but I won’t be at peace without trying, now that he seems to get it enough to respect basic boundaries. Thoughts for a different place.
Now that we are here, it feels less like a forced getaway and more like an actual break. It is my first time coming out on my own with Ivy in a long time. So far, I am so glad we came. I look forward to hanging out with her tomorrow, going to the park, doing puzzles, going for walks with Gary.
I had a moment when I came out to the porch tonight. It is so warm, like a summer night. I flashed back to the days I used to arrive after dark like this, put music on and dance on the deck. I put on the song I always used to play when I got her back in the day and danced. It felt SO good! Some kind of full circle type of good. I had lost that feeling, and now am somehow getting it back and it feels amazing. It’s like getting to go back. Climbing back into old feelings and simpler times.
The beauty I feel the most in this experience is that back in those days, I felt a lot of peace, but I also felt a lot of loneliness and felt like I needed to be anchored a bit more. Now, I do feel more anchored. I am a mother and a wife. I own a business. I am not still wondering what to do, or who I will be with, or if I will have a family. I feel so much peace in all of those areas.
A year ago, we were in Nelson. We came here when we got back. I felt an intense peace here then too. A knowing. One year later, I am glad we stayed. I am glad for the friends we have, for this place, for our home. I am glad for the daily chance encounters with people in our neighbourhood. Some of them I have known for decades, others for less time. But it was all there. I didn’t need to try to build a feeling of belonging out of nothing. I am where I belong. Even if I don’t like the cold weather and the mosquitoes.
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