All The Kings Horses

A few days ago, I was hit with a strong desire to invite my parents to come and see Ivy.  I have had this desire many times, but it has always been followed by so much anxiety, doubt and fear that I shut down and stay the course.  This time, it was different.  This time, I just knew that it was over.  I accept that she doesn’t get it.  Finally.  I wish it didn’t take 2 years of heart ache for all those involved, but it did.  I want to meet her where she is.  I want to trust that she is doing the best she can.   I have wanted that my whole life, I have had that intention before, so I do feel cautious about the challenge that that really is.  I understand that it is not just taking a deep breath when she criticizes me or letting it go when she pulls a guilt trip.  It is like compound interest.  The power of it over time is astounding.  It amounts to so much more than each individual contribution on it’s own.  I want to have the strength to not engage in it.  I guess I am asking for that strength.  It is not health I am engaging in when it gets like that.  It is her illness I am engaging with, and there is no positive end.  There likely never will be.

The visit was good.  I was so happy to see them.  Dar came and it was so nice to see her.  My mom kept it together so well, no tears or any kind of emotional intensities.  Ivy did not play shy, she was pretty thilled that her grandparents were there. 

I have been stuck in such a difficult place for so long.  For years, I was enmeshed with her in such an unhealthy way, unhealthier than I ever knew.  When I began to try to pull back and create better boundaries, it all got so much worse.  The resulting estrangement was the most painful thing I have ever experienced, but also one of the most enlightening.  And now, I don’t know what to expect.  I hope for the strength to get through.  After the visit, I said to my husband, how does it go from that to utter chaos and destruction?  I know that it does from 40 years of history, but I still don’t get why it can’t just be what it was today..   Hopefully now it can.  I was so enmeshed that I have to own my part in it.  I was too close to her when I couldn’t handle it, it was guaranteed pain.  I gave her too much information about my life that I would get hurt with and then after getting hurt, I would always eventually go back for more.  I took her bait when she would offer it.  Not every time, but eventually each cycle, it would get to me and I would give in to the fight.  I can’t let it get even close to the boiling point anymore.  I think I can recognize the trajectory early enough now.  There is something so different inside of me.  I can never regret the estrangement, as much as I am tempted, for that something that is different.  

It will not be perfect.  But I miss them and I want them back.  They are the parents I have.  And I am ready.  As ready as I will ever be.